Committment-Phobe (another long one)

Oh yeah..that's me.

Let me tell you a little bit more about myself (Days off are when I'm really FEELING, as you may have noticed). I tend to reflect more on myself when I don't have to worry about rushing around to work, doing chores, running errands, etc..

I had my first boyfriend in 11th grade. He was nice enough, but our relationship was forbidden (by his family, not mine). I don't really need to say more about that, but that's the basic story. We hung out for about 3 years. When I got to college, I decided that things weren't going to work out and we needed to stop talking to each other, etc..I figured he'd find tons of girls in college that he could chill with, so why bother with me when I'm in a different state, and doing my own thing. That was that.

I didn't have a boyfriend all through college, and I was there for a while. I hooked up with random people, but it was never anything serious. I even got invited on maybe two dates. Oops, I lied. I think I was invited on three dates. One guy stood me up and that was a weird scene because he asked me out. I was tentative about going on this "date" to begin with, but I figured I should see what it was like, so I agreed. Anyway, it never happened, I had to yell at the guy for being an asshole, and that was the end of that. I saw him at the bars, and that was good enough for me. An older guy asked me on a date but he was creepy. I ate pizza with him and told him not to call me on Sundays because I am watching football and don't want to be bothered. He called non-stop every Sunday for about three weeks. I never saw him again around school, which was totally cool. Phew! The last date was when a guy invited me to his fraternity party. This is a great story in itself, but I'll save that for another day. Let's just say I was doing shots of Jack Daniels right out of the bottle, and a button on my favorite corduroy skirt got torn off. I was sad about that. If I saw that guy again things would be totally cool. He was that total charmer guy, but I'm sure I was just one of the many that he invited out.

My last year in college, I hung out (dated/whatever) with my pot-smoking neighbor boy for about three months. He was such a lazy guy, and that ended once school let out. That's the shortest relationship I've ever been in.

Then, I got out of school, and started hanging out with a guy named Richard. We ended up moving in together, and I hung out with him for almost 4 years, and decided things really weren't working out. They really weren't working out. I broke up with him right after New Years, and decided the single life was for me. It was me and Jemma (we have a song together. The words are 'Jemma loves Mama, Mama loves Jemma, we love each other, best friends forever!' You yell out the last part for the song to work).

I never went on dates in the year I was single, and then Ed came along. He asked me on dates, and now it's been two years. It seems I'm totally not a committment phobe, but really I am. I always wonder if the grass really is greener on the other side. I think this is my downfall. Sure it's nice to have someone to hang out with when no one else is around, and you always have a buddy, but is that the end? I don't have a lot of friends, so when I get invited places I want to go hang out. If my "other" doesn't want to hang out with other guys or other people, why can't I? I don't understand the couple dynamic, and I'm not sure I want to. I'm not considerate of others when I want to do something because I'm stubborn and I want to do what I want to do. That's why Ed and I had our fight around my birthday.

I'm still hanging out with that guy Ryan, and things are good. I don't know if this is clouding my thoughts (well, of course it is), but I wonder, if I were single, would he want to hang out with me, or does he like the fact that as long as I have a boyfriend, nothing serious will happen? Right now, I don't want to know the answer. Could it be that he's using me, as much as I'm using him? It sounds so bad to admit that we're users, but that's how it is. He told me that he doesn't want to come between me and Ed and I told him that he didn't have to worry about that. I'm a big girl and can make the call. I wish I could have the best of both worlds. I think in the end I'm totally screwed no matter which path I choose. I'm really being very selfish, and that is so unfair to both of these guys. I guess I have to make my bed and lay (lie?) in it sooner or later. Maybe there's one more person out there that has both things that I like about Ed and Ryan combined into one. That's what makes me scared.

I guess I'll blame my mother again for making me so independent. hee hee. She rules.