My Shutdown Experience

Today at work I got a call from my older sister. I didn't answer the phone because I knew it was someone from my family calling. Then, she called my coworker, and I knew I had to call. I don't like talking on the phone at work EVER. She asked how I was doing, and I said 'fine.' She asked how come I hadn't called any of them for Thanksgiving, or any time afterwards. I told her that I just wasn't feeling so hot, so I didn't call. Then she started crying and telling me that she was worried about me. I told her I was fine, and I'd talk to her later on tonight.

Then I got a call from my younger sister. She was at some dental convention outside in the cold, crying, and was asking me a million questions. I told her that I left my cell phone at home (honestly I did), but I would talk to her later tonight. She begged and begged me to talk to her then. I got her number, and told her I'd call her in a minute.

I ran into YB's office and asked to borrow his phone. He thought I meant his work phone, so he was just sitting there staring at me. I was like 'no, your cell' and we started laughing, and he was like 'oh, ok.'

Over Thanksgiving weekend I went into one of my shutdown, depression modes. I have these every now and again and that weekend was the time for one. I often like to be by myself or just alone to not answer the phone, and do what I want, but this time things were a little different. My family kept calling and calling. I knew they were going to be mad at me for not calling on Thanksgiving, so I didn't want to hear them get mad at me. It was easier to not answer the phone.

When I made the call to my sister, she was asking if something was wrong and if I had any health problems that I didn't feel like sharing. I told her that I didn't have any health problems, was just upset with Ed, and just had a lot going on. I told her that I ended up going to Ed's mom's house for Thanksgiving, and we were there until 10pm (ugh! I was literally falling asleep on his mom's couch), and I didn't want to call so late. Then she starts telling me how everyone is worried and thought I was dying or having some crazy problem. I told her that everything was fine, and thanks for calling. Then I told her I'd call my older sister and tell her the same thing.

So I called my older sister, and said the same thing, and then she started crying again. So then I started crying, and I'm standing outside in the cold, huddled in the corner in hopes that no one comes outside to see me (luckily only the girl I hate did, but she ignores me anyway, so it was fine). She was telling me that she gets depressed all the time too, but it's bad for me to not call anyone. So we talked and I guess things are ok.

I returned the phone to YB, and I'm glad he was on the other line because I probably had a tear-stained face, and he'd make me talk to him or something (ha ha). Phew!

I just hate talking about my feelings/problems, and I especially hate talking to my family about that kind of stuff. Yeah, they care, and I'm sure they would love to know what's going on, but I never want to be a nuisance. I keep most stuff inside, so these shutdown times are when everything comes to a head. I think that I'm the most emotional person in my family, but my sisters definitely cry more than I do. I guess all the crying that I did when I was younger (25 hours a day) is why I don't cry a lot now. I'm a big girl now, so I can't be crying all the time. That's where they step up. Anyway, I've contacted all of my family members, and I'm back in their good graces for not calling over Thanksgiving. Until next time...where's my wine? It's Friday night!!!