My Feelings 101-Super Long

This is the Scarlett Letter from Nov.10 revisited.

So you know, Ed and I have been having some troubles. He called me Tuesday and said he was tired and didn't want to go to the show with me. That really hurt my feelings. Initially I wanted to get theater tickets so that I could go to the show and broaden my horizons. We went to see Thoroughly Modern Millie and we had a really fun time. He said he'd be interested in getting tickets so we did.

Rewind a bit. Lately, as in the past month or so, it seemed that he wasn't interested in me. We would hang out, eat, watch tv/movies, but he would always sit at the back table in my basement. Jemma and Lenny had all the attention they needed, but it seemed like I was always on the back burner. I was there, but it really didn't matter if I was there or not. I'd go upstairs to get on the computer, and he wold stay downstairs and watch tv. When I went to bed, he would sleep in the basement on the couch. Strange for a boyfriend, huh?

Well, after my first cheating incident, I told him that I was feeling lonely and that he didn't act like he was my boyfriend and what did he think of things (I didn't tell him about what I did). He said he thought things were fine, and asked what he could do to help things. I told him that I needed some affection and wanted him to act like he liked me if that was the case. He said 'ok, I'll work on it.' He stayed in the bed that night, and then quickly went back to sleeping on the couch the other nights.

In the meantime I wasn't getting the affection that I needed. I continued hanging out with the other guy (we'll call him Ryan), and still wasn't feeling bad about it ONLY because it was nice to cuddle, and have someone rub my arm, or give me a soft kiss on the cheek. I totally sound like those people on 'diary of an affair', but that's how I felt/feel. So, when Ed didn't call me on Tuesday or Wednesday, I went over to Ryan's place. We watched movies, snuggled, and had a nice time. I don't even know that I really LIKE him, I just like being wanted. He is smart, kind of cute in a dorky way, is several years younger than me, is silly like me, and is really just a nice guy (honest to goodness). If I was younger, perhaps I would want things to work out between us, but for now it's just someplace to go, and someone to hang out with. I don't know that I want anything more. Yes, it's selfish, but I think it's working out for both of us. YB asked me before if I liked him, and I told him that he was kind of immature, and drank too much for my tastes, but he stopped drinking and is still exactly the same. Go figure. I realize that he's more mature than I thought because he's kept things a secret like I have, and I like people that can keep secrets. None of his friends have any idea, and I wouldn't want them to look down on him for hooking up with someone that has a boyfriend. I think he likes hanging out with me, but maybe he's just lonely like myself. I don't mind if that is the case. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking like that, but that's how I roll. No one needs to know and real feelings don't need to be discussed.

Now this brings us to the present. Yesterday morning, I was watching a movie. Of course, I fell asleep. I had a dream that the reason Ed wasn't interested in me anymore was because he was seeing someone else. I woke up, took a shower, and headed directly to his house. I didn't want to find someone else over there, so I was freaking out a little even though I know Ed, and I know he would never hook up with someone else. Of course, he was with his dog playing a video game. He invited me in, and I asked him why he never returned my calls from the other night. He thought sure I was in NY with my family, and he didn't know how he felt about us so he was taking some time to himself. Well, we talked and I found out that he feels unsure about everything except that he wants to be with me. He said that I never include him in things, and whenever I say stuff, I say "I, I, I", and not "we, we, we." If you notice, at the beginning of this post, I wrote that I wanted to get theater tickets. That's how I am. I'm very independent and I do what I want. Not a bitchy do what I want, but if I want to do something, I do it. If I have something in my head, I do it, or try to get it done. There's no I in team, but there's an i in win, and that's how I am. I'm not trying to leave people out, but if they don't want to do something, that's fine. I do. Can I blame my mother for this? ha ha ha.

So anyway, he also mentioned that I am flighty (not in so many words). I like change and I don't like change. I hate my job, so I want to do something else. I don't know what it is, so I'm just floating around until I figure it out. I thought-well, I'll apply for pharmacy school. If I don't get in, I'll do something else, so I applied. He thinks that I haven't thought it through, and what if I do get in? Well, I figure I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I'm not going to put my house on the market now in hopes that I will get in and have to move out of state and then find out I didn't get in. I have to get in first, and then when I do, I'll take it from there. I applied for the FBI a couple years ago, and never took the test because I might not be able to hang out with my motorcycle or other friends if they're smoking pot and doing illegal things. That was a whim, and not one that I thought through thoroughly. He told me that adopting a Chinese girl was a whim, although it's not. I have ALWAYS wanted to adopt a kid or two. I guess the way I mention things make it seem like a whim, but in my head, it's not. In order to get things done, I have to say it out loud. I don't make lists, I just know what's in my head. He also said that he's ready to settle down and have a family. He's 36, so I can understand his point on that, but I don't know if I'm ready to settle down and have kids and a husband. I'm scared, and yes, selfish. I don't know that I want to do everything for my kids. I still have things that I want to do before I live through my kids. Does that make any sense? Sometimes I wish I had had kids early so that when they're out of school, I can start my new life. At this point, I think that when I have kids, my life is over. I'll be old and tired, so I might as well do everything now (I feel like my life is hard even though it so NOT hard, but I think it is). I feel like I have to do all these things soon or else I'll never get the chance. His other concerns were that if we were to move he wouldn't be able to find a job like his current job where he has a company vehicle and a 401k. He only has a GED, and he's worked at his job for 10 years. He goes to work every day, and is a hard worker. I can also understand his fear of not having any skills, but I know people can get jobs without having a college degree. Maybe he feels like he wouldn't be able to provide for me or something. These are my feelings 101, so I don't know what he's feeling and I'm not going to speculate.

In the end, our discussion ended with me saying that I just don't know, but I would like to stick it out with him, try to say "we" a little more and see where the road takes us. He agreed with me, and said he's willing to stick it out. He said that he's known his future plan since our first date and it has always included me (awww). It still doesn't really solve much, but hopefully things will be better. He slept in the bed with me last night, and we still didn't cuddle. We'll definitely have to work on that, but I still might have to go see the other guy every now and again. Now you all know my turmoil and what's going on. I don't know what the future holds, but hopefully it will work out for me and Ed (and perhaps Ryan too).